2011 and the asp drags its sorry arse over the line

4 January 2011 16:54:00 AEDT

Wow, the ASP made it to 2011. Wonder how much Kelly Slater was paid just to compete this year and preventing the whole house of cards folding in on itself like a Power Balance marketting campaign. Okay (sigh) lets see whats on the cards this year:


Probably the only event worth watching until July (Jeffreys Bay). I guess it will be interesting to see if Parko can still surf but personally I'm looking forward to seeing Dayne Reynolds make the quarter finals and spend the entire heat trying to pull an inverted halo drop reverse air and blow everyone of them. Then in the post match interview pretend that he is 'beyond competitions' Nick Carrol and the Morrison Media brigade will set the record for the amount of on screen man hugs and pull more monkey grip hand shakes with the pros than a bra boys sequel.


For fuck sakes, is this still on the calendar in March? How many years in a row of shit surf will it take to have it moved to a more appropriate period. I mean it's just getting internationally embarrising now. The guy to watch is whoever can pull off the best air in 2 foot sideshore mush - mark that one in your diary for sure.

STOP 3 - RIO Pro (MAY)

Alas, it's betetr the devil you know. Farewell Hang Loose, you may have handed us crappy 2 footers every year but at least you were honest about it. Now your event has become a greenwashing campaign from Billabong. You too can put styrofoam McDonalds cups into a special bin on the beach and plant a tree - 'chilling out' in the Billabong DJ lounge whilst up in the favellas less than 5 miles away they are stealing body parts from hospitals for food and shooting each other for surf shirts and thongs - PASS.

STOP 4 - Jeffreys Bay (JULY)

Billabong trials any new green crap at the Rio Pro now so whatever gets dished up by July is usually pretty well honed. Look out for a new wetsuit made entirely from pine needles. The Jeffreys Bay nuclear reactor should be operational in time for the event which will make a nice back drop for Rasta to bleat on about how we are going to power the world and save the whales by enlisting the help of 'musicians'. Occy will be wheeled out of the deep freeze like Meatloaf in The Rocky Horro Picture Show in time to run an inconclusive heat with Tom Curren. Book your internet bandwidth for the webcast now!

STOP 5 - Teahupoo (August)

The surf press has been disapointed that no one has been seriously hurt for the last few years and so the ASP will oblidge by leaving the event in the prime period for someone to go over the falls sideways with a jet ski close behind them - who can forget that classic surfing moment. Billabong will show so many montages of Andy Irons with live crosses to his widow and son that everyone will forget why we need a tox. screen anyway. The parting shot will be a power balance band sinking slowly into the ocean while the final heat held in 2 foot slop and howling onshores reaches its heady climax.

STOP 6 - East coast USA TBA (Sept)

Oh ho ho, stop it stop, my sides are aching stop it ho ho ouch. Ah, suddenly it becomes so clear, this is what it took to get Slater to hang around for another year. His own event. Okay, this will be Quiksilvers chance to do their own limp wristed 'search event' with every crappy beachbreak on the east coast from New Jersey to florida a possible target! WOW. In the end it will be held at Sebastiain Inlet where it was alwas going to be run - NEXT!

STOP 7 - Trestles (September)

Quite possible watchable but I'm dreading having to see 6 second mini commericals of Rob Machado trying to teach me about 'true performance'. Then there's that ongoing risk about having segments of The Drifter randomly inserted without due warning - nope, too risky - PASS

STOP 8 - France (October)

This will be over in a few days before you know it. with the time zone change all you'll get to see is a bunch of crappy you tube beachbreak vids shot by the magazines to justify their attending - dont worry, you wont miss much. France needs a much bigger competition window to have any chance of registering quality waves for an event.

STOP 9 - Portugal (October)

See above but insert the word 'closeouts' where it says 'beachbreak'

STOP 10 - Somewhere (November)

Whooooo, wheres it going to be..whooooo. Well Puerto Rico was a dud in more ways than one - the ASP will be recovering from that one for the next 5 years, so thank god it's time to go somewhere cold again this year and sell some wetsuits. Probably Faroe Island or Alaska - agian the waiting period could be a little short for those areas however.

STOP 11 - Pipeline (December)

Thank god we made it and at last dont have to worry about it being flat. The winner will have been decided at least 3 stops ago so it will be a dead rubber but it always is. Watch for recycled 'Mictory' shirts to appeatr in the crowd and for lots of long shots of Parko looking dejected. Hopefully the Edie will run in 2011 to give some real meaning for bringing everyone across to Hawaii in the first place.

See you there in 2011!

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